Does anxiety ever hold you back? Is your life affected by someone who’s crippled by it?
My daughter and I both suffer from anxiety and I’ve coached lots of folk whose lives are coloured by it. Many anxious people talk a lot, often too much. We try to make sure folk ‘get us’, we have an annoying need to seek approval and we often over-explain. (That’s probably why I use so many semi colons; some sentences just need that wee bit extra 😉 )
I enjoyed the following article about explaining because it really made me think. Please feel free to forward it if you like; if you do, just remember to attach Christine’s full blurb.
6 Irresistible Reasons to Stop Explaining Yourself
Rita’s parents didn’t approve of her choice to get a new kitten. Rita was expecting a long letter from them filled with judgments about her irresponsibility. As she waited for that letter, she was figuring out what she would write back.
Sylvia, one of my Platinum-level coaching clients, just bought her dream house. She avoided telling her father about it for fear that he would judge her, call her irresponsible and proceed to describe her imminent demise. She finally did tell her father. On our call, she told me that she was waiting for his reaction gearing up to explain her choice to him.
Now, there are some people who might read these stories and think, “Are you kiddin’ me? Who cares what anyone thinks about your houses or cats or anything??!”
If this is you, then read no further. This article is not for you.
I’m writing this for the “explainers” out there. And it doesn’t matter if you explain to parents, partners, or priests. You know who you are!
You’ve heard me talk about the benefits of going “Complaint-Free,” right? Well, today, we’re going to talk about going “Explaint-Free!”
And here are 6 irresistible reasons to do just that:
1 – Waiting Drains Your Energy.
When I’m coaching an explainer, I can see that much of her energy goes to the act of waiting.
She waits for judgment.
She waits for people to “get” her before she’ll take action.
She waits for people to approve of her choice.
She waits for criticism.
This literally drains her creative life force. Both women in the examples above were losing energy waiting for criticism.
Here’s your first big challenge: Give up the non-activity of waiting.
2 – We All Need to Learn to Trust Our Choices.
Explaining robs you of empowerment.
Our decisions teach us valuable lessons about intuition and instinct. RARELY do our clear decisions come from our mental activity. Gut instinct is clearer than our critical minds.
When we explain ourselves, however, we move away from the place of deep trust in our intuition and into the realm of mental activity – where the choice didn’t come from in the first place! We’ve suddenly stopped honoring and trusting ourselves and started creating a pattern of mental activity as we question our choices.
3 – Explaining Blocks Creativity.
Creativity means you’re the Creator of your life. You’re a Creator. Not a Reactor. When you explain yourself, you become a “Reactor.” You can’t live in both realms at once. They contradict each other. Living in a state of reaction causes you to cut off the flow of creativity.
4 – Disapproval is a Great Opportunity.
Yes, I’m serious about this!
Becoming an adult in the deepest sense is about learning to take responsibility for your actions and choices. Sometimes that means other people won’t like these actions and choices. And what a great opportunity people provide when they do that!
I once heard a relationship coach say that love can sometimes mean letting your partner be disappointed in your choices. Think about that. Can you stand in your body and love someone enough to allow them not be happy with a choice you’re making?
5 – Explainers Endorse Irresponsibility.
People who take personal responsibility for their lives do not blame others (or themselves) for their unhappiness, for their life situations, or for their financial state, etc. Instead, they recognize that they created it, and they can un-create or re-create anything. It’s an empowering place to live.
Many people do not live in this level of personal responsibility. They are too busy blaming other people, taking other people’s inventory, and looking outside themselves for their happiness. Teacher and author Byron Katie calls this minding other people’s business instead of your own.
Your choice to explain yourself teaches other people that it’s okay not to take responsibility, and that it’s okay to mind your business instead of their own. Your explaints actually perpetuate the pattern of irresponsibility!
6 – Explainers Play Small. It’s Time to Play Big.
Explainers are waiting for permission, or approval, or for people to “get” their choices. So much unhappiness and depression comes from a lifetime of waiting for these meaningless things. It’s the ultimate meaning of Playing Small.
Playing Big means being clear, and making decisions from your soul. And your soul doesn’t feel the need to explain anything!
Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.