Clearly there is some tenacity, some deeper longing to keep keeping on, that lies at the heart of the human experience. I don’t think we cleave to life for no other reason than that we’re afraid of death. I think we cleave to life out of a deeper knowing that there is something about it that has not happened yet. Like salmon rushing upstream, we instinctively know that we are here to continue the process of life. That we are the process of life. And as such, we’re here to contribute to a larger drama than our individual selves could ever fathom, much less describe. ~ Marianne Williamson, from The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife
I logged on yesterday to see if I had any comments on my Kitchen Table post or any personal emails. It was an eye-opener; I’ve had very few personal emails this last few weeks, but those I got were heartwarming. The rest of what I consider to be ’emails’ were actually email alerts telling me that my favourite bloggers had posted. I pressed DELETE, thinking “Archives…that’s what they’re for…”
I logged on last week to post a wee note explaining my absence and was horrified to discover the server had taken my blog down. I still have no idea why they did; apparently it happens to a lot of folk. The lesson there? BACK UP EVERYTHING, then let go and don’t catastrophise!!!!!
There are many reasons for my silence, but it’s mainly because I haven’t been feeling very well. In between bouts of feeling washed out and weary, I’ve given in to the temptation of overdoing things when I’m feeling less buffeted. I suffer from periodic phases of ferritin depletion, caused by mineral malabsorption and a clash between my daily thyroid meds and my iron absorption. (I had a tumour removed after Chernobyl.) I’m on antibiotics and extra iron now and feeling much brighter.
Turns out, I’ve also had an infection on top of the menopausal nasties and exhaustion. (Tiredness goes with the territory when you have teenagers and an eighty-four year old lone parent.) Some days I feel like I’m in the middle of a Jet Li film called ‘The House of the Thousand Horrormoans’. (That’s what my son called hormones when we first explained puberty and the wonders of womanhood to him!)
For many women, our deepest craving is for a place to relax. ~ Marianne Williamson
Despite the dips, I’m still feeling very serene at my core and am focused on slowly but surely getting rid of 80% of the contents of my home. I’ve also been out and about when I feel the urge, remembering life before laptops. We bought new curtains (ehm, we had to…my husband came home one day and found the old ones binned and nothing left at the windows except our wooden venetian blinds.) Illness&exhaustion&no-blogging has given me back my clarity, integrity and serenity as well as a surge of boldness. I’ve disliked the curtains for ten years, but kept them because they were custom-made in colours that matched the rust and green sofas and rugs. After they went, the 15 year old permanently grubby rug went too….then the battered back-breaking green sofa….) Currently, we are down to two small sofas and are rugless, but happy. It’s inspired us to paint the living room next month and finally lay the new wooden floor that’s been in packs in the attic for three years!
I don’t recommend getting overwhelmed, ill and exhausted as the wake-up call that demands an integrity investigation, but it feels like I’ve cleared the way for all sorts of happiness and prosperity and a new phase of life. Maybe my birthday fest last month had a deeper knock-on effect than I thought!
It might take ten years to discover how to build a business and then another ten to learn how to be the most compassionate human being — add ten more to find out how to be the best mate or parent, and somewhere around our 50’s or 60’s we’re ready to live our most shining lives. ~ Marianne Williamson
Giving myself permission to celebrate for five days, one for each decade, gave me a real boost of integrity. I’m the only bridge between my past life and the life to come. I need to stay serene and healthy, focused and present in order to enjoy my NOW, but I don’t need to keep hundreds of letters, ornaments, and books in order to remember who I am, to know who I am, define who I am or show who I am. I promised a few of you I’d post a photo soon, well here I am; this is from a family photo from the summer before last.
I started blogging to share my life journey with others and to give others a place to share theirs. To do that, I need, quite simply, to have a life in the first place, to live as fully as I can, with presence and awe so that I can capture and filter the essence of the moments I long to share. My life revolves around my family, my home and my creativity, but I also need to read, to connect and to soak up as much nature as I can. If I want to make the best possible use of my life and energy, I can no longer spend large chunks of my day on blogging-related activities.
I’ll still be blogging, still be supporting and enjoying fellow bloggers, but in order not to burn out and crash again, I need to accept that I have blogging OCD and work around that awareness.
I’m really sorry I didn’t put up a post to explain my absence, but I feel as if my spirit told me to go blogging cold turkey last month to get some real clarity around why I blog and what I’d miss if I stopped. I seem to write as many posts about my blogging breaks as I do about parenting, writing or homelife coaching. That has to stop or I’ll bore both of us.
I’m glad you’re still here, and if I go AWOL again, I hope you’ll understand and bear with me. I missed connecting with you. That’s why I logged back on.
What keeps you blogging?